Glass Scars
by DemonButtercup
Summary: What if Shinji hadn't killed Kaworu?
1. Life and Death

Glass Scars  
  
This fic was inspired by the amazing but heartbreaking episode 24 of Eva. I watched it and was sort of inspired to write this fic, since it is was upsetting!!*sob* It was originally going to be a oneshot, but once I start getting ideas they don't leave me until I write them down...so this will a couple of chapters. It wont be long though, I do not have the patience or the talent to write a longer fic! This fic was/will be difficult to write because it contains Shinji being brave(gasp!) and Shinji standing up for himself!(double gasp!) Well, he needs to grow a backbone!  
  
Summery: Just one of the possible things which could have happened if Shinji had refused to kill Kaworu.  
  
Warnings: None that I can think of. I don't know if this fic is shonen ai, I suppose it depends how you look at it. I'm only taking from what I saw in episode 24.and we all know how many 100's of times this relationship as been debated! Take it how you want.  
  
Disclaimer: Ah, how much would I like to own Kaworu? Well I don't! I don't own any of this, it all belongs to Gainax. Dammit.  
  
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Chapter 1. Life and Death.  
  
From Evangelion Unit 1's view point , Shinji Ikari saw everything. The underground cavern which he was never supposed to have seen, the sea surrounding him which looked so much like blood. Too much. The monstrous white skinned creature nailed to the red cross. The hopelessness of his situation. And the vulnerable white skinned creature he now held in his right hand.  
  
Countless emotions and feelings all filled his mind, each demanding his attention, making it impossible for him to think properly. Anger and betrayal. Sadness and sympathy. He tried to concentrate, to ignore the demanding emotions. He focused on the boy he held before him. Kaworu Nagisa continued to stare straight back into Shinji's eyes. He was staring directly at Shinji and yet he couldn't have know he was doing it. The face of the Eva stood between then.  
  
Shinji saw acceptance in that calm gaze and his heart broke a tiny bit more because of it. He felt another tear spill down his cheek. Acceptance of the cruel fate about to be bestowed upon him. It wasn't fair. Shinji remembered their first meeting, only a day before although it felt lie it was much longer ago. This strange smiling boy who had appeared at the very moment Shinji had realized his loneliness and despair. Like a guardian angel this boy had been, the irony. Shinji had been intrigued, had wanted to know more about him. He still was intrigued, but how would he learn more if Kaworu were dead?  
  
Instinct took over from logic and the tight grip he had had on the angel slackened a little. A look passed over Kaworu's features, the acceptance was replaced with confusion. Shinji, what are you doing? Was that Misato? No. It had sounded like Kaworu, and yet he had not spoken, Shinji had been watching him the whole time. It then occurred to him that he hadn't heard his voice with his ears, rather in his mind. Shinji's brow creased in confusion, he felt the start of a headache begin as he strained to look through his tears at the angel.  
  
What could he say to Kaworu? He couldn't really want death surely. I can't do this, Shinji told himself. Kaworu must have caught the thought because he gave a faint look of surprise and a tiny smile played on his lips. You must Shinji, this is the only way. Don't you see this? Why was he so persistent? "NO!" Shinji screamed, and immediately let go of Kaworu. Shinji had feared for a second that Kaworu would fall when Shinji let go of him, but he was floating in front of the Eva like he had done earlier. His eyes looked glassy but he was still smiling.  
  
Shinji slouched briefly in the entry plug and breathed deeply, wiping at his eyes. He had no time to relax before Misato's voice bellowed through the intercom. "What are you doing Shinji? Destroy the angel!" Shinji covered his ears, shaking his head from side to side violently. In his mind he spoke again. I won't do it! You're all I have, do you think I'd be happy seeing you dead?! If you really meant what you said yesterday, you'll stay with me! Kaworu replied; "Shinji, your putting yourself in danger. Stop this." "No!" Shinji shouted out immediately. They can't control me. I won't let the hurt you, I promise. They would have to go through me first! I don't know where we could go, but at least you would be safe away from them. Please?  
  
Kaworu was surprised at Shinji's reaction. He had expected him to kill him, he knew he had deserved it for his betrayal to Shinji, but he couldn't have helped it if he tried. His intentions had been to find Adam, as Seele had instructed him to. It was what his mind had been set on, until he had got here and found Shinji instead. He had not wanted to hurt Shinji to begin with, but when he had found Lilith instead of Adam he had no other option but to try and make Shinji kill him. He would have been killed otherwise anyway, either by NERV of Seele, but he would have had Shinji do it before either of the others got to him first. But now.he did not know what to do. Surely Shinji was mad suggesting these things? He admired him for it, and it made him feel even more love for Shinji, as he was trying desperately to protect him. There was surely no way he would survive getting out of the Geofront, as NERV would obviously want him destroyed. He would happily walk out of NERV and forget about Adam if it meant he got to be with Shinji, but he knew he couldn't exactly tell NERV that he was harmless. He was an angel, and NERV had been created to kill angels.  
  
Shinji knew it could hardly be called a plan at all. At that moment he felt so much hatred and anger towards NERV and his father that he wanted to get as far away from them as possible. He didn't know for sure if he could really protect Kaworu at all, but he would try, and he would not let him die by his hand of his father's. Kaworu smiled sadly for the kindness of Shinji's words and his bravery. He felt at a loss of words, but he tried anyway. "I don't want to hurt you any more than I have Shinji. You would be in danger if I were allowed to live.now they know what I am. But I want you to be happy." Shinji laughed through his tears, he wanted nothing more than to embrace Kaworu right then. Misato continued to shout through the intercom but Shinji could not hear her anymore.  
  
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Well that's the first chapter, hope you enjoyed it. I know it was very short, but it all comes to me in short bursts! Second one will be up soon hopefully. I know the plot is a bit way out, but since when has Eva ever been realistic anyway?? I actually have no idea what is going on her and where it's going to go! But trust me, it will come to me! 


	2. Danger

Glass Scars  
  
The second chapter! Ok. I really don't know where this chapter came from at all.or even where its going. But.I think there will be one more after this. I think. Actually this is the beginning of the next chapter, but it was very long, so I split it up into 2 chapter. Short chapters is what I'm good at anyway!  
  
Summery: Just one of the possible things which could have happened if Shinji had refused to kill Kaworu.  
  
Warnings: None that I can think of. I don't know if this fic is shonen ai, I suppose it depends how you look at it. I'm only taking from what I saw in episode 24.and we all know how many 100's of times this relationship as been debated! Take it how you want.  
  
Disclaimer: Ah, how much would I like to own Kaworu? Well I don't! I don't own any of this, it all belongs to Gainax. Dammit.  
  
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Chapter 2. Danger  
  
A little while later they were back in the Geofront. Shinji remembered little of how he got back. How did they get the Eva's back up there? Maybe Shinji had passed out? He wasn't sure. He couldn't even remember seeing much, everything had been blurry, but Shinji was not sure if that was sue to the tears which had not stopped or due to the ever increasing emotions welling up inside him.  
So many emotions, some so different to one another and some too similar. Love and hate. Shinji had not seen anything. Not Unit 2 or that huge creature on the red cross, or even Kaworu. Although he had seen a great deal of Kaworu in his mind.  
  
The moment Shinji had climbed out of the Eva's entry plug and set foot on the ground Misato was upon him as was most of the recovery team. Behind them Shinji caught sight f a small group of men in dark uniform-Nerv security. Why are they here? Shinji wondered. In any other state of mind, the reason would have been obvious, but they just slipped from his mind. Misato grabbed Shinji by the shoulders and shook him roughly, her face was red with anger, her eyes huge and shiny.  
  
"Shinji! What the hell is wrong with you? Do you know what you just did? You disobeyed an order!" Shinji shook out of her grip and looked up at his father. He couldn't see his eyes, for the mirrored glasses he always wore, but he knew his eyes would be burning holes through him.  
  
He looked as passive as ever, his gloved hands clutched before his mouth, Vice Commander Fuyutsuki stood behind him, he looked on edge. Shinji turned his attention back to Misato. "Well??", she asked expectantly. "What was that all about? Protecting an angel?" she nearly shouted. Shinji was shaking, and took a deep breath before answering. "I.I don't want to pilot Eva anymore, you can't make me. I didn't do it on purpose to make anyone angry. I just couldn't do it, because he's my friend." Shinji could feel the tears again but tried to hold them down.  
  
Misato stood back, looking at the ground. Shinji began to think she would not answer. But eventually she did look up, directly into Shinji's eyes. "I'm very disappointed, Shinji". Something white caught Shinji's attention behind Misato. He looked past her shoulder and noticed Kaworu for the first time. There he stood, back straight, hands in his pockets as if nothing had happened. Misato turned, following Shinji's gaze. "YOU!" she shouted, starting towards him. The security guards turned as well, drawing their guns immediately when they saw him. Kaworu's expression did not change with this new hostility.  
  
Shinji pushed passed Misato and after a short struggle, past security as well. Now he stood in front of Kaworu , ignoring Kaworu's look of surprise and refusing to let Misato or anyone else near him. "Shinji, its ok." Kaworu began, his hand on Shinji's shoulder, before Misato interrupted him "No, its not ok! Don't touch him! I always knew there was something wrong with you. Your not even human!" Misato spat venomously at the angel. Kaworu flinched, but his hand didn't leave Shinji's shoulder.  
  
"Stop it! He's coming with me, your not going to hurt him." Shinji sniffed, although now his anger was overcoming his fear. He took a step back towards Kaworu protectively. "its not up to you Shinji." A low confident voice spoke up. All eyes were raised to find Gendo Ikari had stepped forward, a smirk covered his face. "If you cannot follow orders Shinji, there are others who will". He eyed Kaworu. "You are indeed clever Tabris, but this ends now." He then looked back to Misato, "Major Katsuragi, destroy the angel." Misato's eyes widened but she nodded slowly. "Yes Sir."  
  
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Gah, I'm tragic at cliffhangers! If it can even be called a cliffhanger. And it was far too short to be any good! Ah well, Next one will be up soon! 


	3. Misato's Decision

Glass Scars  
  
This is basically chapter 2. But the second half so expect it to be very short, and boring! Thank you to the people who have been kind enough to review so far, it is you who keep me writing.  
  
Summery: Just one of the possible things which could have happened if Shinji had refused to kill Kaworu.  
  
Warnings: None that I can think of. I don't know if this fic is shonen ai, I suppose it depends how you look at it. I'm only taking from what I saw in episode 24.and we all know how many 100's of times this relationship as been debated! Take it how you want.  
  
Disclaimer: Ah, how much would I like to own Kaworu? Well I don't! I don't own any of this, it all belongs to Gainax. Dammit.  
  
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Chapter 2. Misato's decision  
  
"Yes Sir"  
  
Misato couldn't believe she had said it, and so quickly as well. Just happily agreed to destroy the one thing keeping Shinji happy.  
  
Gendo nodded, before turning and leaving, followed by Fuyutsuki. The security guards corrected their gun's aim on Kaworu. Shinji's eyes visibly widened. Misato fixed her gaze back on the angel, and slowly drew her own gun.  
  
"Shinji, step away", she too fixed her gun on Kaworu.  
  
"No." Shinji said stubbornly, positioning himself in front of the gun. He knew Misato would not shoot him anyway. But what about the guards? All they were doing was waiting for Misato to say the word. They won't touch him, Shinji thought. Misato shook her head, as if to clear her mind.  
  
"I said move! Listen to me Shinji, after this, you'll be fine. He's an angel, he'll hurt you, more than he already has. He's dangerous." Misato pleaded. Shinji shook his head again. Eventually a tear found it's way down his cheek.  
  
"No. You'll have to shoot me too. I won't let you hurt him. He couldn't help what happened, I know he didn't mean it, he wouldn't do anything to hurt me intentionally." Kaworu's hand slipped from his shoulder. Misato shook her head again. This was crazy! Did Shinji really believe what his was saying? Maybe it was some mind trick, similar to what happened to Asuka, but she looked up. Shinji's gaze burned through her, and she could see he knew exactly what he was saying.  
  
Misato didn't want Shinji to get hurt again, but it was overwhelming how close he was to this boy, an angel. He knew full well what he was and yet he wanted to be close to him. It puzzled her. She remembered how he used to shut himself away from everyone he came across. The hedgehog's dilemma. She remembered vividly how she had tried to touch his hand after Rei's death, but he had shrunk away, a horrified look on his face.  
  
She had thought nobody would get through to him. Maybe he was afraid of girls. Maybe he was afraid of affection. Maybe he's a natural loner. But if that's the case, why was he here, risking his life protecting a boy who is, of all things, an angel? If that was the case, he could hardly be called a 'boy' could he?  
  
Could it be so bad? She wondered to herself. The angel had hurt Shinji more than anyone could have, and yet Shinji had gone back to him. He stood as the only thing between Kaworu and death.  
  
Misato looked deep into Shinji's eyes. Dark blue. Too dark for a child as young as he. Although, with al that he had experienced and suffered, she was sure that mentally he was already an adult. Even if he didn't know it. Those eyes were tired. Tired of crying, lack of sleep, being made to do things he didn't want to do. And tired of having the things he cared for being torn from him. If she really saw Shinji as an adult, then he should be able to make up his mind about what he wants, and she wouldn't be the one to tear the last thing from him.  
  
She finally lowered her gun. She looked guiltily at the guards next to her.  
  
"Lower your weapons. Now." The guard closest to her looked at her, shocked.  
  
"Major!" The guard next to him piped in as well. "Major, this is a direct order from the Commander, what will happen if you go against orders?" Misato shrugged, "I don't know."  
  
She made her way to Shinji. He stood still but Kaworu instinctively took a step back, an uneasy look on his pale face. She bent forward and touched Shinji's damp cheek, expecting him to jump back as well. To her surprise he stood still, but a confused look graced his features. She smiled softly at him.  
  
"But, I do know.you deserve to be happy Shinji, for once. I can only imagine what would happen to you if I did carry out my duty." Shinji smiled weakly, but it was still clear he was confused. Misato dared a look over Shinji's shoulder at the angel, who looked as equally confused as Shinji, but also wore a slight smile.  
  
"I'm not sure if your making the right choice.but I think you should leave now. Right now." Shinji nodded, realization dawning in his distant eyes.  
  
"Thank you Misato." Shinji whispered. Misato smiled understandingly at him, then stepped back into the crowd of guards. At some point, they too had lowered their weapons. She was prepared for the consequences of her rash actions. Maybe she cared too much for the boy, but she was pleased she had cared more than his father had. And anyway, she was his guardian, surely what she was doing was right: seeing to it that Shinji was happy. She smiled to herself. Be happy Shinji-Kun.  
  
Shinji looked up at his Evangelion. Despite all that had transpired in the last few minutes, his Eva was exactly the same. He would never know how drastically his fate had changed. But he had imagined a fate that had been so very realistic only a few minutes ago: a fate where his Eva's right hand had been covered in blood. He had been left cold and broken hearted again, and there was a tiny broken body lying in the LCL in Terminal Dogma. That was the hand fate had dealt him, and he had refused it.  
  
"Good bye mother." He sniffed as he caught sight of Eva Unit 2. Asuka Langley's Eva. Or what it Kaworu's Eva? He noticed the progressive knife protruding from it's chest.  
  
"Sorry."  
  
He smiled at Misato, he then turned to Kaworu. The one he had been protecting all along. The one he had succeeded in saving. They stared at each other, Shinji liked looking at him, and when he spoke, it was so soft only Kaworu heard him.  
  
"Lets go."  
  
Kaworu smiled and nodded, allowing Shinji to grab his hand and lead him from the room. Their entrance was silent, except for the dying sound of their footsteps in unison. It sounded like there was only one person leaving.  
  
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Well.that really does seem like the end, but I do have a plan for one last chapter, I don't think Kaworu has had much say yet. Or should I leave it at that? I haven't started writing it yet, but I have some ideas. Hope you all enjoy it so far! I'll post the last chapter soon ;) 


End file.
